[i]There's nothing quite like a music festival. Whether it's smearing "mud" (faeces) across your face in a bid to look like Arnie in Predator, returning to your tent to disturb a scouser in the process of nicking all your gear, or enjoying the stench of the portaloos, it's all great fun. For your convenience Pin Ups has picked out the Top 5 Festivals happening this summer.[/i]

[i]1. Guardianfest [/i]
A tip top festival without any of those pesky common folk.
Confirmed to appear: [b]We Drink Pear Cider Is it Organic? Yeah![/b], [b]Drunk Chaps [/b]and [b]Phoebe & The Philanthropists[/b].
(Welcome - children, particularly if accompanied with condescending parents who disapprove of "smoking" and "jazz cigarettes".)

[i]2. The Jonathan Ross Brown Noseathon[/i]
Cringe behind a muddy sofa as Wossy puckers up to celebrity posteriors.
Confirmed to appear: [b]My My Aren't You Looking Thin, I Know Ricky Gervais Too, You're A Good Looking Feller [/b]and [b]I Weally Think We Should Make A Wecord Together.[/b]
(Welcome - a pair of balls to tell celebrity guests that their new album/film/book/DVD is a crock of shit.)

[i]3. Ned in the Park[/i
Scotland's Top Festival (copyright Daily Record) unleashes the same line up for the 15th year in a row.
Confirmed to appear: [b]REM, Feeder, Foo Fighters, Snow Patrol [/b]and [b]The Killers.[/b] Did we mention [b]REM[/b]?
(Welcome - Neds. Bloody thousands of 'em.)

[i]4. The Midlife Crisis Festival[/i]
The Top Gear Presenters presentationally present grown men having japes in leather jackets.
Confirmed to appear: [b]The Exactly what are they Compensating Fors?, The Embarrassingly Foppish Haircuts[/b], Plus special guest DJ [b]Jo Wiley [/b]playing selected cuts from the Best DriveTime Anthems Vol 1-7.
(Desperately welcome - daughters friends for all the older men to try it on with.)

[i]5. Boutique Boutiquessy Boutiquezone[/i]
All those big nasty festivals have booked up all the proper bands but we're going to have an event anyway.
Confirmed to appear: [b]Supergrass [/b]and lots of other bands you haven't really heard of but with their names printed in [b]LARGE TYPE [/b]as if they're famous.
(Welcome - people willing to camp in a tipi, igloo, pod, podpad, shack, jack black, yurt, kurt, courtney, wendy house, beach house - just as long as you don't call it a fucking tent.)

[i]This banter was originally published in the Pin Ups fanzine in May 2009.[/i]


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