AUSTRALIAN SINGER'S BIG FREEZE HORROR

Star forced to eat family in order to survive

Australian singer Nick Cave was forced to resort to desperate measures in order to survive the Big Freeze, it emerged last night.

TRAPPED

It's understood that the popular songwriter, who has penned shits (surely "hits"? - Ed) such as "3 Little Boys" and the Neighbours theme, and memorably duetted with Kylie Minogue on "Especially For You", became trapped with his family in their holiday home during the cold snap.

Cave, the first songwriter since Neil Hannon to have his Collected Limericks published by Penguin Books, is unlikely to pen any jolly verses about the grim conditions which left his family stranded and starving.

GNAWING

It's believed that the isolated Cave was forced to watch his family perish, one by one, and eventually resorted to gnawing on barbequed portions of their dead bodies just to stay alive.

Cave was eventually rescued by police, who were called to the Cave residence by neighbours complaining of "an odd smell, and a deafening castrophony of chainsaws and circus wurlitzers at all hours of the night".

TRAGEDY

A spokesman for the police stated: "It's a great tragedy. It appears that Mr Cave was so involved in writing his new album that he appeared to have completely forgotten that he was actually holidaying in Brisbane, where it is currently the middle of summer. The door to his holiday home wasn't really jammed shut, it was just a little bit stiff. If only Nick had just given the door a little shove, or even just looked out of the window, then this sad catastrophe could have been avoided."

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